Those Words shared by A Father Which Saved Us during my time as a New Dad

"I believe I was simply in survival mode for the first year."

Former Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the challenges of fatherhood.

However the reality quickly became "utterly different" to his expectations.

Serious health issues surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into acting as her chief support in addition to caring for their infant son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, every nappy change… every walk. The role of both parents," Ryan shared.

Following nearly a year he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his father, on a public seat, that made him realise he required support.

The direct phrases "You aren't in a good spot. You must get support. How can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and start recovering.

His story is far from unique, but rarely discussed. While the public is now better used to addressing the pressure on moms and about PND, far less attention is paid about the challenges dads go through.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan thinks his challenges are part of a wider inability to communicate amongst men, who continue to internalise harmful ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and doesn't fall time and again."

"It is not a display of failure to request help. I failed to do that fast enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - especially in preference to a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental well-being is just as important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the space to request a pause - taking a short trip away, separate from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He understood he needed to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions as well as the day-to-day duties of caring for a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That insight has changed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of feelings and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Even with having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, long-standing emotional pain resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "bad decisions" when younger to change how he felt, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as escapism from the anguish.

"You gravitate to things that don't help," he explains. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse."

Tips for Coping as a New Father

• Talk to someone - if you feel under pressure, confide in a trusted person, your spouse or a professional about your state of mind. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Remember your hobbies - continue with the things that made you feel like yourself before the baby arrived. Examples include playing sport, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Look after the physical stuff - eating well, getting some exercise and when you can, sleep, all are important in how your mental state is doing.
• Spend time with other new dads - listening to their stories, the messy ones, along with the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Know that asking for help does not mean you've failed - taking care of you is the best way you can support your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the passing, having not spoken to him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead provide the stability and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - managing the emotions safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they confronted their struggles, altered how they talk, and figured out how to control themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I expressed, at times I think my role is to guide and direct you what to do, but actually, it's a exchange. I am discovering an equal amount as you are on this path."